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A guy from the gas board phones a house. A little boy answers.
Boy: - hello.
Gas man: - Hello can I speak to your mother or father please?
Boy: - No, they′re busy.
Gas man: - OK. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Boy: - yes, two older brothers.
Gas man: - can I speak to one of them then please?
Boy: - No, they′re busy.
Gas man: - Is there anyone else in the house?
Boy: - Yes, there’s a policeman.
Gas man: - can I speak to him then please?
Boy: - No he is busy as well.
Gas man: - So what are they all doing?
Boy: - Looking for me.

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have
no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we′re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out
right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive
shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently
pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just
can’t keep a secret.”

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise,
they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on
the other side of the road, which was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across
this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted,
‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’
“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying
piece of trash too!’
“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the
gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up
to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” Read the rest of this entry »

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in
many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and
returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn′t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,
“Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a Purple Heart on!”
To which the mother replied, “I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go
play at the Smiths for a couple hours.”

couple hours?

An angry man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving. He stomped
across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys.”
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, “I want you to know I highly resent that remark.”
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

Attorney to Witness: “Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?”
Witness: “Oh, I do.”
Attorney: “How often do you cook for him?”
Witness: “We have probably one good meal a week.”
Attorney: “Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have?”