most annoying laughs | short clean jokes | police most laughs | funny free monologues | computer stupid jokes | attorneys lawyers comedy

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in
many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and
returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,
“Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a Purple Heart on!”
To which the mother replied, “I don′t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go
play at the Smiths for a couple hours.”

couple hours?

An angry man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving. He stomped
across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys.”
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, “I want you to know I highly resent that remark.”
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

Attorney to Witness: “Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?”
Witness: “Oh, I do.”
Attorney: “How often do you cook for him?”
Witness: “We have probably one good meal a week.”
Attorney: “Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have?”

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.Protestantism: shit won′t happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit!

i’m just kidding for this stupid shit story, just kidding..!! ding.. ding.. ding…

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,” and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.“

Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: “How did such a thing happen?”
Johnny: “It’s that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp.”