most annoying laughs | short clean jokes | police most laughs | funny free monologues | computer stupid jokes | attorneys lawyers comedy | If Lieutenant Data Ran Under Windows 3.11

Before read this joke. You have to watch the STARTREX Next Generation first..
Then you will know why i laugh (love) this joke.

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide!

PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.

The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders!

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.

Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen!

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. to Data! Control-alt-delete, Data.

Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor!

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

LaForge pulls Data’s left ear!

PICARD: Shields…

There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console!

PICARD: … up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor!

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console!
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE (in a surprised voice): What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don’t have Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship!

LAFORGE (alarmed): Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless!

PICARD: What’s going on?
LAFORGE (checking the helm console): Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do anything with them.

The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later!

FERENGI (with a mercenary grin): Can I interest you in a Copy of Windows 95 for androids, Captain?

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
Just wait for the next part 2 guys..

Before you read this post, we recommend you to read the previous part 1 before.

“I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California.”

“I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 — for dyslexics who have an emergency.”

“There ought to be limits to freedom.” Said about parody websites of him.

“I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it.”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. “Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”

“Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?”

“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”

“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”

“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”

“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”

Before marriage
He   : Yes, at last. It was so hard to wait.
She :  Do you want me to leave?
He   :  NO ! Don’t even think about it.
She :  Do You love me?
He   :  Of course !
She :  Have You ever cheated on me?
He   :  NO ! Why you even asking?
She  :  Will you kiss me?
He   :  Yes !
She :  Will you hit me?
He   :  No way ! I’m not such kind of person !
She  : Can I trust you ?
He   :  Yes.
Now after the marriage, you can read it from below to up !!!!!

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
– Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?’
Don’t answer.”
– Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.”
– Michael, age 14

“Stay away from prunes.”
– Randy, age 9

“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
– Emily, age 10

“When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
– Taylia, age 11

“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
– Traci, age 14

“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
–  Andrew, age 9

“If you still not laugh, i will kill you :p

–Author, Age 21

wait for the next part two gays..

Ummm….i mean guys.. !!

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush….maybe “I think we can agree. The past is over.”

“I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made.”

“It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then.” (A slip on exhillerating)

“It’s clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it.”

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”

“Will highways on the internet become more few?”

“Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don’t realize just how bright our children is.”