most annoying laughs | short clean jokes | police most laughs | funny free monologues | computer stupid jokes | attorneys lawyers comedy | An atheist :” Oh God please save me”

There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,

“Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have ?

LITTLE JOHNNY : One dollar.

TEACHER (sadly) : You don’t know your arithmetic.

LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don’t know my father.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one really bad day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “WOW! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as sales person.
Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows…

Work/Time = Power
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get
Work/Knowledge = Money
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work
done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make –
sales baby, that’s where it’s at!

a tourist from Singapore is enjoying vacation in Malaysia. He is enjoying taking breakfast in Coffee House hotel place where he lodges.
A Malaysian is eating BUBBLE-GUM and sit next to him and starts invites talking easy goingly.

Malaysian : ” All of you Singapore men eat overall of bread ??”
Tourist Singapore : ” Of course”
Malaysian : ” We don’t. In Malaysia we only eat part of depth only. While part of dry bread epidermis,
we collected then we to pack into container, then we produced to become bread croissants and we sell to Singapore.”
The Malaysian then smiled satisfying when seeing the tourist of Singapore is kept quiet without words.

Malaysian : ” Do you eat jam with bread?”
Singapore tourist: ” Of course”
Malaysian ( chuckling) : ” We don’t. In Malaysia we eat fruit of fresh at the time of breakfast. We remove its peel, releases its seed and we collect them and put them into containers, then we produced it to become jam. Then we export to Singapore”

Now, the Singapore man ask the Malaysian : ” Do people in Malaysia do sex ?”
Malaysian : ” Why ? of course we do sex”
Singapore man : ” Do you use ” condoms” ?”
Malaysian : ” Of course !! We use condom”
Singapore : ” Then, what did you do to the condoms that you’ve been used?
Malaysian : ” We are exhaust, of course”
Singapore tourist: ” We don’t. In Singapore, the government silently put the condoms into container,
we process them to become bubble-gums and we sell to Malaysia. That is the reason that is actually why us people in Singapore is prohibited to eats bubble-gum.”

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.