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Overheard in a computer shop
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesman: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Before read this joke. You have to watch the STARTREX Next Generation first..
Then you will know why i laugh (love) this joke.

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide!

PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.

The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders!

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.

Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen!

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.
DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. to Data! Control-alt-delete, Data.

Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor!

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

LaForge pulls Data’s left ear!

PICARD: Shields…

There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console!

PICARD: … up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor!

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console!
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE (in a surprised voice): What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don’t have Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship!

LAFORGE (alarmed): Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless!

PICARD: What’s going on?
LAFORGE (checking the helm console): Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do anything with them.

The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later!

FERENGI (with a mercenary grin): Can I interest you in a Copy of Windows 95 for androids, Captain?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” is feminine - “la maison”
“Pencil” is masculine - “le crayon”.

A student asked “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups: male and female. And asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computer”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you fi nd yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine (”le computer”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won…

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1!!! F1!!!” and nobody understood it.

related to : help key

Ucup Naoto had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he ncountered some problems. He called the customer support.

Customer support told him:” Just press the “help” key,Sir.”

“What key?” Ucup asked again.

“The F1 key.”Customer support answered.

He decide to use the ‘Help’ command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer etailer for support.Ucup Naoto confused: “I press the ‘F1′ key for help lah, but it’s been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me ?!”

The end of days has come.
All peoples who died or live will judge according to their atitude in life to choose which place he will be. Of course there’s only two options : paradise the 1 st and hell the other one.
And now the time for God to judge Bill Gates. As you know he’s the boss of microsoft company, the biggest operating system provider in computer industrilization.
Before judging Bill Gates, God make some conversation with him.
God say “I know you gave contribution amazingly for humanbeing in technology. Although sometimes people use computer for negative activities, I think you’re so useful. I’m so confused on putting you in the hell or paradise. So I decided to ask you, what place you want to go”.
Then Bill ask “sorry i haven’t gone to both places, so what the differences of those places?”
God answer “In paradise, there’s white angel, all kind guy and cheerful life. In other hand at hell, there are ozzy osbourne, kurt cobain, marilyn monroe, asia carrera and other famous guys. Also beautiful mountain, gorgeous beach with nice waves, and others awesome nature views”
“So, what will you choose?” God ask

“hmm..honestly, it’s such a hard choice” said bill.
“Give me one day to think before i make a choose” bill beg

“ok…i’ll come tomorrow. Think it times n times and may be the best one” God said

The D-Day, god come to ask gate.

“The time has come. What place you want to be” God asking

“I have my own. Cause I like sunshine and beach, I choose hell”said bill

“ok..as you wish, you’ll be put in hell”

after 2 days in hell, god visits bill in hell

“how do you feel , bill. enjoy, ha? “god say..

“i think you lied to me. Yesterday you said that the hell like a beach soak with sun and nice waves. But i couldn’t find it. What the hell with this?” bill angry

“Hey man, that’s just a wallpaper in computer from microsoft product” God laughing

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and “active low” signals didn’t yet exist.)

On the second day, God’s boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn’t. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried,
“Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!”

And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the “new and improved” wouldn’t do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with ‘add’ and ‘logical shift’ instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said,
“Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.”

And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since.