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There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,

“Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on’, and “I understand. How did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?”

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his
mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will
be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the
church and moving to a drier climate.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, “Oh,
Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, “Now, now, Carolyn, don’t carry on.
The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me.”
“Yeah,” she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, “That’s what they said the
last time too . . .”

“Calm down, Ma’am,” said the school counselor to the shattered mom. “It’s perfectly
normal. Many boys Little Johnny’s age masturbate.”
“I know,” sobbed his red-eyed mother, wiping the tears with her handkerchief, “but not in
church.”

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them
to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, “He was born in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”
“From my Daddy,” said Little Johnny.
“Yesterday, we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in
front of us and Daddy yelled at him, Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?’”